The Catnip Chronicles Vol. 1: The Squirrel

Suspect: Catnip squirrel toy  
Dignity: Compromised  
Status: CLOSED ✅

⚠️ Editorial note: What follows is a fully accurate account of events. I am not embarrassed. I regret nothing. 😸

There is a squirrel in my home. A small one. Stuffed. Filled with catnip.

It belonged to my predecessor – the cat who came before me in this home. A cat of great taste and excellent judgment, clearly, because this squirrel is the greatest object in the known universe. 🌿

The original squirrel and I have history. Years of history. It used to squeak. It no longer squeaks. I will not be elaborating on what happened. 😸

My human recently acquired a second squirrel because the original sometimes goes missing. This was the correct decision. I approve of this decision fully. There are now two squirrels. The neighborhood is safer for it.

Upon encountering the squirrel, I immediately rubbed my entire face on it.

Then my cheeks. Then my neck. Then I rolled directly on top of it with full body commitment.

I then deployed my back feet in a rapid bunny-kick sequence against the squirrel's midsection. This is standard procedure. The squirrel knows what it did. 😹

My human was filming. I was aware of this. I did not care.

The bunny-kick sequence is merely the opening move. Once properly activated, the full operational toolkit is deployed. 🌿

The aerial toss: I pick the squirrel up, launch it into the air, and catch it on the way down. This is not showing off. This is precision athletic training. 😸

The transport operation: I pick the squirrel up in my mouth and carry it to a new location. The reasons for relocation are classified. The squirrel goes where I decide the squirrel goes. 🐾

The soccer maneuver: I stand directly over the squirrel, grip it with my back feet, and kick it upward like a football. This technique was developed independently. I have never watched soccer. I am simply gifted. 😹⚽

All techniques were filmed. I was aware of this. I did not care. 😸

At some point during the session, something shifted. The chaos subsided. A calm descended.

I stopped. I sat up. I looked directly at the camera.

And I posed. 😸

My human later set this footage to Madonna's Vogue. This was appropriate. I have no notes.

Following the session I retired to my fluffy round bed for an extended recovery nap.

This concluded operations for the afternoon. The squirrel was secured. The field remained unpatrolled. Some sacrifices must be made. 🐾

🐿️ Catnip squirrel: guilty of being irresistible. 
🐰 Bunny kicks: delivered. 
📸 Vogue era: confirmed. 
🥱 Nap: deeply necessary. 
🐈 Dignity: irrelevant.

✅ Case status: CLOSED. Vol. 2 pending availability of squirrel. 🐿️😹🐾

Want to know if the squirrel is worth buying? Read the full Pawsitive Review here: 👉 Pawsitive Review: The Catnip Squirrel

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